Tuesday, October 5, 2010

A more difficult task.

This is a deeper & longer post than usual. It was a task on my 101 in 1001 list, and I completed it. I am proud, and sharing it with you.

My parents divorced when I was a year old. Growing up, I did not see my father much because he was in and out of jail my entire life.

He is a loving, caring, kind man with a huge heart but he has made some very bad decisions in his life, and continues to do so to this day. He is currently sitting in a jail cell.

My dad has broken my heart my whole life. Every time I got the phone call from my grandma, saying he was in jail again, my heart shattered. And every time he got out, he would tell me the same things... 'He's going to turn his life around, and make better decisions. If not for himself, then for me.. He did not want to see me hurting anymore.' I have yet to see him make any effort to change.

He and I have been communicating through mail on a regular basis. He writes me telling me how he is reading the bible everyday, going to bible study, and putting his life in God's hands. This is something I heard every single time he was in jail before. Because I wanted him to stay in high spirits, I always just said 'I'm so proud of you, Dad. I think you're really going to turn your life around this time.'

Until about two months ago.

I finally had enough of hearing the same crap over and over and over again and never seeing any improvements from him. I have realized recently that it is not the same as it was when I was a child. I am an adult now. I have children, and a husband. I have my whole family to worry about, not just myself. Keeping in touch with my Dad could eventually hurt my children. I don't want them getting really close with him, only to find out he has been put back in jail and will be there for a while. I have lived that, and it is not fun. I look at it like this... If my father doesn't want to be a better man, he doesn't deserve to be a part of my children's lives.

This is the point where I realized I needed to tell him how I was really feeling. Not put a mask on and pretend like everything is okay like I've always done in the past. So that's what I did. I sat down and wrote him a long, emotional letter telling him exactly how I felt about him and the choices he has made. I told him that it's not just about me anymore, my children deserve better from their grandfather. & if he isn't willing to change, then I am willing to just walk away.

I've been there for him his whole life, with nothing but positive thoughts and encouragement. I am done pretending everything is okay. I want him to make some serious changes.

It has been two months of no response from him. I haven't gotten a single letter from him since I mailed out my last one. About a week ago, I decided I would send him a few pictures of the kids. I did not mention the long letter I sent him before, I just sent him a few pictures and told him I loved him.

I checked the mail yesterday, and had received a letter from him. It was short and sweet and didn't directly mention my letter to him, but I know he got it and read it because he mentioned some things indirectly. I hope I got through to him in this letter, but I guess only time will tell. Until then, I will continue to pray for him. At least I have expressed to him how I feel, and now all I can do is hope for the best.

Write Dad a letter, telling him how I feel.


Erinsgobragh said...

I know what your going through with parent trouble. Today is the anniversary of my mother's death. She died from a condition called buerger's disease. It's where the nicotine clogs your veins from smoking too much.

In 2001 My mom lost her legs up to her knees from smoking too much (3 1/2 packs a day). After that the doctor told her that if she kept on smoking she would kill herself. She stopped for a time and swoar she'd never smoke again. I distanced my self from her for a bout a year because I was sick of her useless promises (please don't miss understand me she was the most caring loving person I have ever met and was my best friend). In 2003 I reconnected with her. We'd hangout just like old times. But she started to smoke again. On Oct 5, 2005 she died from a blood clot to her heart and one to her lung.

I miss her dearly and am very sad that she will never meet Sam. But I know that she is look over us.

Ashley said...

Good for you Ciera. I know it's incredibly hard to be honest, especially with our parents but you did the right thing for you and for your family. I'm sorry you have a father like that, it has to be really hard. Sounds like you turned out amazing despite him.

kimberly said...

I see my children's future in you. The reason my kids father is not mentioned is because he is also in jail, for quite a long time this time. He's always been in and out of jail. He always told our children the same things "i'm gonna change this time, I found Jesus, etc..." Of course when you sit and stare at 4 small walls with bars everyday and every movement is dictated by someone else, YOU WANT to change. Change comes from the heart. Period. God can change if only He's allowed too.
Now, my children are adults and/or almost adults. They came to see him the same way. He only writes when He wants money or other things or because its "embarrassing" to not receive letters or pix from his kids "when everybody else does". He's quite the lovely specimen.
Took me 18 years to realize He was never going to change, or ever had any intention. I've left my children to slowly form their own judgements. They are where you are, except that they do not write him anymore or want to have anything to do with him.
Was it hard? Yes. Did they cry, alot? Yes. Do they long for a Father that He can NEVER be? Yes.
Stick to your guns. Your life is Blessed and positive!

Nikole said...

I am SO proud of you for doing that. You did the right thing.
Maybe he is just digesting. I hope it all works out, and as we know, it always does. I love you.

Jaime said...

I can relate to you! Although my Dad was never in jail, I always knew he was an addict. You are SO strong!

Natalie said...

For some reason, I never got your comment on my Fall post last week until today. I came over to browse around & found this. It was as if I wrote it.
My own father has been in & out of jail most of my life. He continuously makes bad decisions & promises to change. He blames every reason for things going wrong other than the obvious- his choices.
Reading how you felt hit so close to home, it brought tears to my eyes. Thank you so much for sharing.


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